I can't imagine having done this without Kelly.  We’ve been through so much together, and he has truly done my prison sentence with me.  I emailed him Tuesday kind of giving him an honest rundown of what I was going through.  His reply kind of surprised me, because I didn’t know he had it in him to hit me with such an impacting message.  I cut out the following email and I carry it with me everywhere I go:

 

LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT…..Head down, up the hill. The peak is right in front of you. If you fall down now, it’s a long way down and it’ll hurt like H**L. I’ll keep pushing the water and the trail mix, but ultimately you know you’re the only one that can climb your mountain. I know you can do it and you have an army of supporters who know it too…. However, I promise I’ll put Ghirardelli chocolate pieces in your trail mix to make it a little better… : )

 

Keep remembering….You’re out in 30 days and a wake up. You are coming HOME to YOUR house, YOUR car, YOUR cats, YOUR life…YOU have much more than whatever is happening to you in there. REGARDLESS what it is. Your life out here did not stop---it only paused. You are ‘Girl, interrupted’…NOT stopped.

 

I know you have to live in and deal with the drama of the center everyday, but that’s not your drama and it ends, DEAD, the day you walk out of those front doors on August 31st, 2006. From that day forward you are back in your world, on your terms, making your way. We are all just visitors on your world and you decide how we fit in. That’s how you, RIGHTFULLY, did it before you went in and that’s the way you do it when you get out. Those YOU CHOOSE to stay in contact with once you are out, have to live by those same guidelines. We are very happy where we are in your world. We don’t try to change you or manipulate you or ______________ (insert your choice of word here)…we just love you.

 

You have 30 days and a wake up! And when you do “wake up”, I will be there to take you away…Put your guard up, be selfish, get above the drama, it’s not yours. Don’t stress about coming home, dream about it. NOW, more than ever, this is ANDI’S WORLD—We’re all just visiting……That includes THE CENTER and everyone, I mean EVERYONE, in it.

 

You know I mean these things and I mean the best by them. I learned them from the best person I know….Love you.

 

I shared this email with LA and Missy, and agreed that he is one amazing human being.  He certainly set me straight and turned me around.

​

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

 

1.  I can officially say I am going home THIS MONTH!!!

2.  Life has been moving along at a VERY fast, chaotic pace since the end of last week.  I’ve got so much going on, I don’t even know which way is up.

3.  We’ve been on lockdown at the Center since late last week.  The air in C building went out Friday, and they moved all 120 girls up to our building.  It looked like a Red Cross refugee camp because there were bodies everywhere.  It was so miserable – our tiny room that barely fits 3 had a 4th body on the floor.  AND our room still doesn’t have air, so it stayed 85 degrees in there all night.  We were confined to our rooms except to shower and eat breakfast and dinner.  This just ended last night (Monday).

4.  Due to this situation and some other things I was going to, I hit a very rough patch Saturday night and Sunday.  It seems to be passing, but man.  It was rough.

5.  Things in our room got crazy this week.  Moo was way out of hand Sunday night.  No, none of us wanted a 4th body in our already hot room, but she came home from work and took it out on us (mostly me).  I snapped at her (and cussed her, too).  I’d had enough with her white girl jokes (she acted mad that the body on the floor was also white), and she was being very rude to me.  Last night, there was a pretty big blow up.  I’ll have to explain later when I have the energy.

6.  Also, I am going to consult Ms. Calvert about a possible grievance against Ms. Bowman, the one who said a long time ago, “I don’t know how an inmate like you got a job at the Governor’s Office.”  Yeah, well, I think she overstepped a boundary yesterday.  LA and I were walking down the hall, and she gave us orders which were very unclear, and I was trying to speak (addressing her properly with ‘permission to speak’, etc.,) to clarify what it is she wanted us to do.  As we carried on and continued down the hall, she said, “What, are you retarded?”  I was very calm, but my instinct was to turn around and say, “Excuse me?”  But I just looked at LA dumbfounded and asked if she just said what I thought she said.  Not sure if it’s grievable, but I am tired of being treated like that.

7.  I got on the train as usual yesterday, and I always stand by the door since I go one stop.  There happened to be a big jolly group of people right by where I was standing.  One gentleman offered me his seat but I declined.  Then he noticed I work for the Governor, and said he wanted me to tell the Governor that the MARTA trains and busses need better air conditioning.  I was trying to explain to him that he would need to write a letter, etc., but someone else popped up with an issue, and then someone else, and then… well the whole train got going?  It was hilarious, and everyone was laughing and having a good ‘ole time.  It made me smile for a long time.

8.  We had back to back staff meetings yesterday (senior staff and our department).  We found out that one of the Legislative Aides upstairs is leaving (still in our department, just up in the Governor’s actual office) next week.  I am considering asking Kay if I’m anywhere near qualified.

10.  I saw on MARTA tv today that “Running with Scissors”, one of my most favorite books ever, is coming out in movie form in September.  I am so ready to see this – I am impressed by the cast, but a little surprised.  I am so excited to see Gwenyth Paltrow in it!!

 

---------------------------------------

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

 

1.  Things have been so crazy this week!  I hope it keeps time flying by.

2.  Things with Moo are finally better.  I think our little blow up the other night was a way to get the resentment out of the way, and was like hitting the reset button.  Not to say we’re back on the honeymoon, but at least I mostly enjoy her company again.

3.  LA leaves tomorrow.  Major separation anxiety going on right now, for real.

4.  Ruby Tuesday’s was GREAT today.  Mike is too good to us.

5.  Missy has been my saving grace this week, helping me through some stuff.  I am so grateful for her.

 

--------------------------------------

Thursday, August 03, 2006

 

1.  I’ve been a total slacker on blog posting this week.  It’s just been so darn busy.  And I’ve been greatly distracted.

2.  I had a dog in my room at the Center last night.  Ms. Peterson had been at the vet with Peaches, her poodle, and was late for work.  She brought the dog with her, and her husband later picked the dog up.  She snuck Peaches down to my room and asked if I could watch her for awhile.  I’m thinking like 20 minutes, but it was more like 3 hours.  Then Missy, who LOVES animals, took over, then Waller.  It was funny.

3.  A girl got sent back to prison Tuesday because she miscarried.  She knew she was pregnant, and since she’s going home in October, was hiding it until then.  Apparently she miscarried earlier this week, and tried to keep that quiet as well.  Tuesday she went to Grady to have a D&C done, but her job called the Center.  I guess she knew she would get an escape charge if she didn’t call, so she called the Center and confessed.  Just when you think you’ve seen and heard it all…

4.  I am not sure if it’s due to the above incident, but I was not amused to return to the Center last night and find that we have to attend a mandatory House Meeting at 7 p.m. tonight.  I HATE these meetings.  It’s the same depressing, negative and feeds the negative energy in my opinion.

5.  LA left to go home this morning.  I am so happy for her.  I’m going to miss her so much.

6.  I must be hitting that numb stage.  I didn’t cry when I said goodbye to LA this morning.  That is so unlike me.

7.   Mike and I have decided to go see Brooks & Dunn in November.  The bonus is I’ll be seeing Jennifer Nettles as part of Sugarland, too : )

8.  We are getting psyched up for the Rams game.  Mike has new apparel arriving for the big event.

​

Friday, August 04, 2006

 

1.  The pressure seems to be alleviated some today.  My anxiety was out of control yesterday when I left work!  I guess going numb over the whole week really caught up with me all at once.  I know most of it was because of LA leaving and sweating a new roommate, and the house meeting and just general anxiety.

2.  We got our new roommate last night.  Her name is Stephanie, and she’s a nice, quiet girl.  It TOTALLY made my day, because I don’t have to worry about having someone loud and ghetto and disrespectful.  I knew Moo would be mad when she got in and saw that it was another white girl, and yeah, she was.  I warned Stephanie that Moo is moody, so just ignore her when she gets like that.  I think Saturday is Stephanie’s only day off, so I’ll still have my alone time in the room it seems.  I am so relieved.  Oh, and oddly enough, remember how it only took 3 weeks for me to move from B building to A building?  That NEVER happens – it takes 2-4 months for everybody to move, and I’ve never heard of anyone else having it like that, but the same thing happened to Stephanie.  She wasn’t expecting to move and had been back there just over 3 weeks.  Strange.

3.  The house meeting was okay, just long.  Same old photocopied stuff from the last house meeting back in March.  I wasn’t too bothered by it since it was my last one : )  We are having an audit on August 17, which I am not looking forward to. They will go into crazy mode that week, and we’ll be screamed at and treated like slaves.  But, whatever.  I’m almost done.

4.  We made it back in time to catch ‘So you think you can dance’.  I am sad about losing Ivan : (  He was my little man.

5.  I just got really good news (well, potential news).  Kay was just talking about it being time for me to go soon.  As it is now, Gayle’s surgery is scheduled for September 7, and she’ll be out at least 6 weeks.  We already knew I would likely stay and fill in, though it hadn’t been confirmed yet.  Well, remember I mentioned that Gwen, one of the Legislative Aides, is leaving this week?  I know I can’t qualify for her position permanently, because you have to go through certain levels (it wouldn’t be so bad if she weren’t upstairs in the Governor’s actual office).  BUT, they aren’t looking to hire someone to fill her position since its election year, so Kay is talking to Chief of Staff about me being a fill in, and Gayle being out is likely to boost the chance of this happening (I would be filling in and doing both jobs).  That would be fantastic.  I have no idea about money yet, but one stage at a time.  I have a gut feeling, and always have, that something good is going to work out for me.

6.  Also, Gayle is getting a hold of Misty and Adam, the Commissioner’s assistants, so we can meet with them.  They’ll be a big help.  I hope I still get to meet with the Commissioner, too.

7.  Gayle is too good to me.  She brought me a Southern Style Chicken Biscuit from McDonald’s this morning.  I love her!  We are also ordering Jason’s Deli for lunch.

8.  Ms. Calvert scared me last night.  She was up in the CO booth before the house meeting, and since I haven’t seen her in a month or so, I stopped and said ‘hi’ to her.  She said, with a very serious face, that it’s vital she see me next week.  I said, “is there a problem?”  She’s really good at hiding stuff, so you can’t read her.  She said no, she’s just going to be out for awhile.  I said, “well, you know I go home the 31st, right?”  She said yeah, that’s why we need to get together.  I am so going to miss her.

10.  Gayle set up a meeting with Misty, the Commissioner’s assistant, for next Tuesday.  I’m really excited about this.  For one, it’s making it feel real that I am on the verge of going home.  Second, I just… I don’t know.  I just feel like good things are happening.  Nothing is clear yet, I just feel like I don’t have to worry about anything.  It’s a nice feeling to have.  It’s kind of unusual for me.

12.  I have to admit that while this was a rather rocky week, it went pretty darn quick.  I hope the next 4 continue this way.

13.  Teri has just given me some advice that I seriously needed to hear.  .  I just need to work on how to apply.  I love that woman.  I have learned so much from her.  She knows how to say things to get through to me.  She has said:  I read your email and just wanted you to know that I do understand that feeling of being in over your head.  Time and distance does put our lives in perspective. I've learned to allow life's confusion to Occupy space in my mind for longer periods of time than in my past.  Meaning, that often confusion and overwhelm dissipates on it's own. It's when I try to wrap a solution around things too quickly that I end up suffocating truly valuable life lessons.  let time take a larger role in life's challenges. Slow down your decisions and your solutions.  Just my two cents from lessons I've learned

14.  I feel more centered, more calm, more at ease than I have this week.

​

Monday, August 07, 2006

 

1.  I am down to 23 days and a wake up.  That is just under 3 weeks.  I have 3 full Monday through Friday weeks left, then I go home that next week.  I know it sounds silly, but that seems soooo long. 

2.  The Center and everything associated has gotten to me regarding the weekend, but I’m not even going to harp on it here.  It is what it is, and I refuse to spread the negative energy.

3.  Kelly did come visit me Sunday for a few hours.  It’s the first time in a long time that I’ve gone to visitation.  Sgt. Channel first made me wait 25 minutes before she shook me down, then switched and got all friendly and kind to me.  She said she knew I didn’t have long left, and she asked when I go home.  Then she asked how my job was going.  I told her it was real good.  She asked if I was going to keep it when I leave, and I told her not this job, but if things go well, I will be a Legislative Aide in September.  She said that was great, and she’s happy for me.  Then she went on to say it proves that if you work hard and focus on the right stuff, then it’ll pay off.  Then she really got me when she said, “I gotta say, Settlemoir, I haven’t heard anything bad about you the entire time you’ve been here.  That’s rare around here.  You’ve obviously done your time well.”  I was shocked.  I think I surprised her, too, because before all this, there was a girl that came out of visitation like 3 minutes before we finally got shook down.  I’d been sitting there all that time, then somehow the girl ended up in front of me and got shook down first.  Sgt. Channel said, “How is it that you’ve been waiting all that time and she got in front of you?”  I said, “Ms. Channel, I don’t even sweat the small stuff.  I don’t have time to worry about that stuff.”  She just stopped and looked at me and smiled, and said, “Wow, you never hear anything like that!  It would be nice if everyone was like that.”  I just smiled – I was thinking it would be nice if SHE was more like that!!

4.  Moo ended up working all day Sunday, and Stephanie, the new roommate, was at work until about 2:30 p.m.  Moo and I were both a little irritated that she turns on the light in the mornings when she gets up at 4 a.m.  To her credit, it is pretty dim in the room, BUT, since I have been in B then A building where we have those little lamps, my roommates nor I have EVER turned on a light when others in the room were sleeping out of courtesy.  LA used to get up at the same time as Stephanie and never once turned on the light – once your eyes adjust, you can see fine.  I wasn’t too bothered yesterday since it was Sunday and I could rest up all day.  But this morning, even I was a little irritated.  Maybe we just need to mention it to her.  She’s real quiet – she reminds me of me every time I have moved to a new room, especially when I got moved to the honor dorm at Alto.

5.  I did have to break down and buff for the very first time in my entire prison career.  It was devastating.  I was hoping to go all the way without buffing, but it is not to be.

6.  I just got Gayle’s son’s new laptop set up for him.  It’s been a long time since I’ve seen an updated laptop, and I’m amazed at how advanced they are.  They come complete with wireless (internal) and built-in webcams now.  I can’t wait to get my Mac!

7.  Today went pretty quick.  It’s 3:15 p.m. already.  I hope they all go like this.

 

------------------------------------------

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

 

I have been totally falling behind on the ‘ole blog lately.  Work is too busy – it’s always really busy, but Gayle is out the rest of the week, so I am carrying both of our loads.  Nothing I can’t handle, but it’s quite busy.

 

Meeting with Department of Corrections

The meeting with Misty (legislative liaison for Dept. of Corrections) and Ed (executive assistant to the Commissioner) went great.  Not what I expected, though.  I think Kay set it up for my benefit, so that I could get on a more personal level with them.  Misty especially has always had an interest in me.  For one, we’re the same age, we’re very similar in character.  The difference is, she works for the DOC and I am incarcerated.  She even said in the meeting yesterday that she’s had a hard time thinking of me as an inmate because we could’ve been sorority sisters or something.

 

Anyway, they met with Kay and Gayle for awhile, then they called me in, and the meeting resumed with just me, Misty and Ed.  I was really comfortable with Misty because we’ve known each other for awhile, but Ed was a bit of adjustment.  I do not have that personal feel for him like I did Adam, the previous assistant.  He’s not as charismatic.  I guess because he’s been in law enforcement his entire career until now.  But he was alright.  Very helpful.

 

They asked a lot of questions about me, my experience, my work at the Capitol.  They collected 3 copies of my resume to take back over, and both of them are being extremely helpful and supportive in my future career in corrections.  Ed said there are tons of different positions, and they are working with me, both short and long term, to find something that fits me. 

 

Apparently, Kay went in there and wouldn’t stop talking about me.  Misty said, “I remember we sat down and talked to you your first day about how you’re the first one and you have to be an example, but we didn’t know you’d set the bar so high.  What are we going to do when you leave?!”  That made me feel good.  It’s humbling, because I’ve just been me.  It’s great to know that no one even sees me as an inmate, they see and outstanding employee.

 

Ed was very helpful in answering the First Offender questions.  That’s kind of depressing because I do indeed have to claim conviction until I am off paper (roughly 4 years).  This is a very big concept for me to accept and I think it is the root of my anxiety.  I am so scared of leaving here and having to find a suitable job and salary while being a technically convicted felon.  I just cannot wrap my mind around this challenge right now.

 

Also, I asked about my firefighter certification.  I definitely cannot be a professional firefighter until I am off paper.  If I moved to a small town in the suburbs, I could volunteer on a fire department, but not like be one.  As for certification, I might be able to certify still, but unlikely while I’m on paper.  I am not as depressed about this, because it’s one of those facts of life I’ve forced myself to accept.  But yes, I am quite sad about it.

 

I could tell Misty wanted to ask a lot more questions, but didn’t feel comfortable since Ed seems to be a little more formal. But she did ask if I was scared when I came in to the system and such.  She said she can tell a huge difference in me since I started working here.  And, as I’ve heard thousands of times in the past, they both said I should write a book.  I have a gut feeling she and I will remain in contact, and once I reach the real world again, I can see us being friends.  It’s a weird connection, but it’s there.

 

I expressed great appreciation and gratitude for the opportunities that they have afforded me.  I really wish they could understand how much they’ve impacted my life.  I mean, to have been given this opportunity – it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, and even more since I am incarcerated.

 

I may not get to meet with the Commissioner before I leave as we planned, but I will definitely get to meet with Brian Owen, the Assistant Commissioner, for more specific job purposes.  And I do believe down the road I will get to meet with Commissioner Donald to discuss my prison experience.  It just won’t be right away.

 

After the meeting, I met with Kay for a minute. She said she’s working on the proposal for John, the Chief of Staff, about my stay at the Capitol.  She thinks there’s a very big chance I will be allowed to stay on a temporary basis to fill in for Gayle and Gwen.  She said, “It’s not just because we want to help you out, Andrea, it’s because we really need you, too!”  She said that I would still have flexibility to interview and take care of what I need to do.  Nothing in stone, but we are making progress.  Also, I know I will be in on the interview process for the person who takes my place, and I am sure I will train her, too.

 

My Anxiety

This has been a crazy trip.  I have heard about how your last incarcerated days are long, anxiety-ridden and stressful.  I thought I could rise above and escape all that, but I guess this is not the case.  I know I will rise above, but all the stress and anxiety is completely human reaction.

 

It’s weird – one day I’ll be ready to conquer the world, like nothing can stop me.  And the next, I’ll be extremely withdrawn, uncertain and, well, scared.  My appetite comes and goes.  I am eating, but not like I should or I used to.  I eat breakfast every week day.  I only eat lunch on the days Mike brings it to us.  I don’t hardly ever eat dinner anymore.  And what I do eat doesn’t seem to stay with me very long.  This seems to be the case regardless of my frame of mind – even on the days that I am feeling really good about things.  I guess it’s just because it’s all a roller coaster.

 

Meetings like I had yesterday with the DOC are sort of bringing things into perspective.  There is one big irony – I have served nearly a year and a half in prison, yet the reality of me being in prison still hasn’t set in.  On the other hand, the reality of me going back home hasn’t set in, either.  I mean, I remember 7 months ago when I started here at the Capitol, we talked about all these meetings I’d be having at the end of my trip with the DOC and Commissioner and what not.  And now I’m having them!!  How is that possible when I haven’t even accepted that I’m in prison?!  Maybe I’ve just done good to not let myself mentally be in prison.

 

The hardest thing is I have these meetings like the one we had yesterday, and they pick me up so high my feet aren’t touching the ground.  And yet, I have to stay grounded because I can’t even act on this.  I have to sit here and wait patiently for another 21 days.  I know, it’s only 21 days, but it’s hard to sit here and not act on my future.  That is the internal struggle I’m dealing with.

 

I can tell that I’ve withdrawn quite a bit lately.  I am trying to not feel guilty about it.  My communication outside of myself has been minimal.  I don’t want visitors on the weekends right now (it’s too hard to say goodbye and return to the Center), I have a hard time making phone calls to my loved ones again for whatever reason, and I just all around seem to be internalizing everything.  I hate this, because I don’t want anyone to be offended.  I am just relying on everyone around me to be understanding during this adjustment period.

 

1.  I just left a VM for LA.  I haven’t been able to call her yet, and I miss her!  She probably thinks I’ve not called her on purpose.

2.  I just opened a piece of the Governor’s mail from Bass Pro Shops.  Apparently the guy that owns the local shop knows Joyce, the Gov’s secretary.  He attached a personal note the most recent catalog that says “some bathroom reading material for the Governor…”  This disturbs me.  I know it’s a completely human thing, but the thought of the Governor having bathroom reading material…

3.  It’s a full moon.  I don’t normally believe that full moons affect anything, but I might rethink that this week.  The way people are acting, especially here at work, I feel like I am in the twilight zone.

4.  I hate people who invade your personal space on the bus.  This woman plops down next to me this morning, and proceeded to fall asleep on me all the way to the train station (about 40 minutes).  She was doing the head nod thing.  She would doze off, and slump over, but the majority of her weight would be on my arm and side.  She would wake up after about 15 seconds, but go right back to it.  It was an ugly cycle.  It wouldn’t have been AS bad if she didn’t start resting her head on my shoulder every few rounds.  I have sympathy for a tired working woman, but this was a really unbearable.  Being in prison has made me extremely sensitive to human touch, and this is not something I am comfortable with.

5.  I am trying to leave a little early today to meet with Ms. Calvert (my counselor).  It will be my last real meeting with her before I go home since she will be on vacation for the next three weeks.  I hate that she’ll be gone during this time, but I will cope without her.  I just gotta pray the other counselors are competent to process my paperwork and whatever else I need while she’s gone (passes, release, etc.).  They usually are not.

​

​

Thursday, August 10, 2006

 

1.  John Mayer’s new song “Waiting on the World to Change” is fantastic.  Groovy, uplifting, smooth.  I love it.

2.  Work is in overload mode with mail being extra heavy and Gayle being out.  But I like it like this.  Miss Gayle, though.

3.  I left early for nothing last night.  I couldn’t even get the officers to let me out of the building to go see Ms. Calvert, which was the entire reason I left early.  So she ended up calling me at 5 p.m., which is the time I normally come in.  Oh, well.  I got to ride the bus in with Missy which made it all worth it.

4.  Last night was the last meeting with Ms. Calvert.  It was bittersweet.  It was hard to say goodbye to her.  I can’t quite explain it.  She admitted she is Buddhist to me (DUH, like I didn’t figure it out, but it was nice of her to confess).  I know I’ll keep in touch with her for sure, as I asked her to be a mentor to me.  I cried a little when I said goodbye.  I couldn’t thank her enough for all she’s done for me.

5.  In not-so-good news, we had all assumed she was going on vacation for 3 weeks and that’s why she’d be out, though I had a feeling it was something else.  She told me in confidence last night that she’s got a serious Fibroid tumor, and has to have an emergency hysterectomy done next week.  Apparently she had to go to the hospital a few weeks ago and have a blood transfusion done. We had no idea that was going on with her.  Anyway, she’s strong and she’s going to be fine, I just hate that she has to go through this.  She said she’s okay with it because she has no attachment to her uterus whatsoever : )

6.  I am on pins and needles over tonight’s “So You Think You Can Dance” finale.  I can’t decide who I want to win because I really like all of them.  I’d say I am tied over wanting it to be Travis or Heidi.  I think Heidi is the best all around dancer, really.

7.  Who are these Jurassic 5 people?  I kind of like the new “Work it Out” song.  I think I’ve heard it somewhere before and thought it was someone else.

8.  Last night, I was hit with something I didn’t expect.  Moo told me that LA has been talking to Ellis (the former officer that Moo has been dating for quite some time) about their relationship.  This does not surprise me – I was under the impression that LA was going to tell the truth about Moo and what she’s been up to.  Me personally, no I don’t think what Moo does to Ellis is right, but frankly, it’s none of my business.  I don’t see the point in getting involved.  I could careless that LA went to Ellis about it – except that she’s brought my name into it.  She told Ellis something like “Ask Settlemoir about it because she’ll know more.”  What?!  How are you going to put me in that position?  It’d be different if it was August 31 and I was gone, but how are you going to involve me when I still live with Moo?!  I am sure no harm was meant on LA’s part, but that’s a serious lapse in judgment.  I don’t know what to do about this.  I haven’t been able to talk to LA yet; I’ve left two voicemails for her.  But I guess I need to talk to her to see what the deal is.  This might be strike two against her.  It really disappoints me, as LA is one of the best friends I made in the last year and a half.  I swear this feels so 3rd grade.

10.  I saw Cathy Cox yesterday (former State Superintendent, current Secretary of State, lost primaries for Governor against Mark Taylor).  In person, she looks exactly what I pictured her to be.  I will say she was kind.

11.  I just held an actual handwritten letter and photograph from Vice President Dick Cheney.  He sent a photograph to the Governor from when they visited troops together.  It’s surreal sometimes to be handling such things – I mean, a personal, handwritten letter from the Vice President?!

12.  I emailed Paul yesterday just to say ‘hi’.  I miss him.  I started to realize just how much I do.  I got the kindest email back – I couldn’t ask for someone to be more understanding.  I think I want to wait and spend time with him in the real world.  I feel like we deserve that time.  Great things are in store for our friendship or whatever else may come.

13.  I am the 20 day mark.  20 days.  I swear the last 10 have felt like weeks and weeks, though.  I hope the next 20 days move right along.  Exactly 3 weeks from right now, Kelly and I’ll be out in the city taking care of business.  Right about now, I’ll probably be either eating breakfast or trying to see my probation officer.  Ugh.

14.  I swear, everyone is trying to bug me at work because they know I have a lot to get done.  I am trying to just get through the 147 pieces of mail we got today, with the pleasure of listening to Yahoo! Unlimited, but they just won’t let me!!

​

Friday, August 11, 2006

 

1.  After MUCH anticipation all day of a televised Rams preseason game against the Colts, we lost power 15 minutes before it started.  Are you F*&%ing kidding me?!  We were running on a generator, so the TV wouldn’t stay on – it would stay on long enough for me to see the score then go off.  I was so mad.  I almost cried.  I really did.  The good news is they won, and it looks like defense has improved greatly.  Special teams need a lot of work.  And it’s weird not to see Martz pacing the sidelines.  I am so excited for football season!!

2.  I just snuck across the street to get some lunch from the State building.  It was good (and cheap).  I should’ve been going over there all along instead of starving.

3.  Gwen, the legislative aide upstairs, is leaving today.  It’s her very last day after 15 years.  I guess this means I might hear something soon about filling in.  It’s a mess otherwise.

4.  I managed to talk Mike into going to see the “So You Think You Can Dance” tour with me in October.  That’ll be fun.  I hope we aren’t the only people there over 24.

5.  I’ve got to slow my mind down.  I keep getting too over-excited about going home and it’s making these last three weeks unbearably painful.  I’m just ready to go and have fun!!!

 

Are you ready for some football?!

I sure as hell am!  I was hyped ALL day in anticipation of the St. Louis Rams and Indiannapolis Colts preseason game since it was going to be telecast.  Last night was... well, the universe was working against me.  A storm rolled through Atlanta around 7:30 p.m.  We lost power at the end of the storm, just 15 minutes before the game was to start.  So, yeah.  I didn't get to see much football.  We run on a generator, but the television wouldn't stay on - I could turn it on long enough to catch the score every now and then, but it would shut off after a few seconds/minutes.  I know I drove everyone crazy whining because I was missing a televised Rams preseason game.  But ya'll know I've missed an entire season of football, and it's rare to see a Rams game in Atlanta.  The important thing is, all things considered, the Rams played okay with their second teams.  They won 19-17 over the Colts.  But it's okay, because exactly one month from yesterday, I will be AT the Ram's season home opener in St. Louis. 

​

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

 

1.  It’s Wednesday, and I’m just now getting down to an update.  Whew.  Work has been uber-busy.  That’s a good thing.

2.  I was just given a gift journal from Economic Development.  It’s really cool, with the Georgia symbol on it.  I like presents : )

3.  We have started a new round of interns here at the Capitol.  It seems our department has been blessed with some functioning interns rather than the luke-warm bodies we received the last round.

4.  I am borderline irritable today.  The day just has that sort of feel about it.  I didn’t get quality sleep last night.  I was tired and slept good, except I kept getting woken up.  Moo and I were asleep when Stephanie came in around 11 p.m., so I heard her get in and out of her locker a thousand times.  Then they both got up to go to the bathroom at 2:30 a.m. and Moo left the door open so the noise and the light from the hall woke me up.  And peeing is contagious, so I had to get up and go.  Then Stephanie I guess ended up having to work, so she was back up with the f#%$ing light on at 4 a.m., and in and out of her locker another thousand times.  Then Moo got up at 6 a.m.  By the time 6:20 a.m. came around, I felt like I hadn’t slept.  I know, I know – 14 days.  The bus ride was chaotic and we were running late, so that further irritated me.  And Oliver and his whistling is enough to top it all of.  Sheesh.

5.  I received some unfortunate news this weekend.  Brandi, a girl Tenli and I were really good friends with up until she went home in March, lost her baby.  She was 5 months along and had miscarriage.  She sent word through someone else.  Both of us shed a few tears over it, because she was really excited about this baby.

6.  I also received some bittersweet news this weekend about the fire department up at Alto.  Seems the girls must be in Mod II training, because they are not fighting fires yet, but they are on call 24/7 and going out with Baldwin County on calls.  They moved them over to their own unit – in the building where the administrative staff is.  Each one has their own room, and they have cable and A/C.  Would I give up what I have now?  Absolutely not.  But it’s hard to not feel some remorse in being a part of it.  I am so proud of them and how far they’ve come.  Apparently, the new Warden was a fire chief, so I guess that got the ball rolling.

7.  I am having a serious craving for Mystery Science Theater 3000.  No idea why, but I’d forgotten about it until yesterday.

8.  I just devoured a Krispy Kreme doughnut.  When I say I pretty much swallowed it whole, I’m not exaggerating much.

9.  Moo did an incredibly nice thing for me, and it proves that she can be aware of others, and that maybe somewhere, we really are friends, it just doesn’t always seem like it.  Okay, LT has a book in her office called “The Games Criminals Play”.  Moo has been curious about the book for the last year or so, but LT (rightfully so!) wouldn’t let her read it.  Well, Moo knows I’m a serious psych major, and conned LT into borrowing it so I could read it.  Of course LT doesn’t know I’m reading it.  But I got goose-bumps on my arms when Moo handed it to me!  I mean, what a gem!  It’s freaky and weird and exciting.  Most of the stuff in the book is quite obvious to me because I lived it, but what a great book for someone who’s not been to jail.  I can see everything first hand that they talk about.  It’s made my week.

10.  Also, Missy and I traded movie lists this week.  We both like strange movies – independent, etc.  So we each made a list of movies we love and swapped.  I know it sounds simple and weird, but it was cool to do that.  We have such a good bond.

11.  I had to watch a fairly new resident get chewed up and spit out by Ms. Saunders this morning.  She is the assistant to Ms. Campbell, the Superintendent, but by the way she acts, you would think it was in reverse.  Anyway, the girl messed up and didn’t ask for permission to pass before zooming around Ms. Saunders.  So Ms. Saunders went off on her, and instead of just saying ‘yes ma’am’ and letting her say what she had to say, the girl tried to offer explanation and what not, which just gave Ms. Saunders what she was looking for.  She ended up in her office, and rode to work on my bus.  She was in tears the whole way, talking about how she’s ready to give it up and go back to prison.  It’s strange after having been there for nearly 10 months, and being able to tell who’s weak in mind and who’s not.  Her defense is she’s served 5 years and she’s tired.  Well, we’re all tired.  Whether you’ve served 1 month or 20 years, we’re all tired, but the only thing we can control is our own mind.  I realized seeing this girl act the way she did how much I’ve learned by being here.

12.  Life at the Center is a living hell right now.  They have literally transplanted the B building residents down to C building.  Okay, tomorrow is the big audit – apparently these are huge deals.  I mean, I remember them up at Alto, and yeah, they were big.  But if you are doing what you are supposed to be doing anyway, then it really isn’t that big of a deal.  MTC apparently isn’t run the way it’s supposed to be, because girls have been working around the clock for the last three days getting everything into shape – painting all walls and doorways and floors, buffing and waxing the floors, lawn work, etc.  Now, they just had an audit (same kind) in October… why wasn’t this stuff being done all along?  Why are we waiting until this week to do it?!  C building now looks like a refugee camp like when their air went out and they had to move up to our buildings.  I mean, that’s not even humane.  It’s all a front.  This makes MTC just as criminal as we are to a degree. (exit soap box)

14.  Oh, great.  The street in front of the Capitol is closed because Al Sharpton is leading a rally.

15.  I had to leave early yesterday to go pick up my Rx refills from Grady.  I got stuck in the major rain storm, but fortunately I was able to stay in the train station until it passed.  Honestly, the only thing that made me wait it out (over 30 minutes) was one, I really didn’t want to return to the Center that early, and two, I stopped at the McDonald’s next to the hospital for dinner.  Ha!  : )

16.  I have developed quite a crush on tennis star James Blake.  I know he’s hot anyway, but after seeing him on Oprah yesterday, I think I might really love him!  He’s so passionate and gentle and confident and humble and charismatic all at one time.  He’s so beautiful, and he looks great even with his dreds shaved off!

18.  Gayle is too cool, and she’s good to me.  She had to go to the bank, so she was going to stop at Chik-fil-a to get us some lunch.  I wanted a salad with chicken strips, bleu cheese dressing, and French fries.  The Chik-fil-a was closed, so she went to Lettuce Souprise You! to get our salad, then to McDonald’s for fries.  I love her!!

 

--------------------------------------

 Thursday, August 17, 2006

 

1.  Well, at least it’s Thursday already.  Exactly two weeks from right this very minute, I will be F-R-E-E!!

2.  It is audit day, and I couldn’t be happier that we can survive the day and move on with our lives.  I did mess up this morning.  So did Moo, really.  Moo left her fan out on her locker, and left pennies, a piece of wood and a book on her locker.  I just forgot to sweep really good behind the lockers.  I really could careless, except that if they inspect our room and find it to be under par, we are sure to get written up.  The ONLY reason that bothers me is if we get an infraction, they will likely pull my very last pass next weekend.  I hate to miss a pass, but hell, I’m almost out the door.  It’s not worth me stressing over.  So, whatever.  I can tell I don’t care anymore.  I would’ve been up an hour early a few months ago to scrub the room down.

3.  “So You Think You Can Dance” was great last night!  I liked how they did the show so we could see favorite dances again.  I loved seeing Ivan and Alyson do “Why” and Travis and Heidi do that one contemporary dance again.  I loved it!  I am happy Benji won, but I was still hoping for Travis.  I LOVED Ciara’s performance.   thought Fergie’s performance was good, too.  I am NOT a fan of Blackeyed Peas, but I like her by herself.

4.  New roommate is seriously a pain in my ass.  She has been working mornings, which means she’s up before 4 a.m. I am tired of dealing with the light and her locker noise.  This is causing Moo to react (hypocritically at that!), and she’s going to drive me crazy.  13 DAYS!!

5.  Emails from Dawn and Teri today have warmed my heart.  I am feeling loved : )

6.  Gayle and Katie walked over to the New York Deli and brought back lunch for me (Hunan Beef and chicken lo mein).  It was great.  We got to sit around at Gayle’s desk and eat and chat.  I really enjoyed that.

7.  I would do anything to be able to listen to music on the bus…

​

Friday, August 18, 2006

 

1.  Kelly and Rae met me for breakfast at the State building today (illegally of course).  He had to go to Veteran’s Affairs for something, so it was convenient.  It was a nice breakfast.  

2.  Freakily enough, Ms. Thomas, the job coordinator at the Center, stopped by the here at the Capitol not 5 or 10 minutes after I got here.  She was here to stop in and say ‘hi’ to Kay and Gayle, and to talk about the fact they need to start interviewing for my position, not necessarily to check up on me.  She waved at me as she was passing by the door, but she didn’t even come in to see me or anything.  It was just freaky that the one morning I am bad, she appears.  I had just been talking about her to Gayle, too.

3.  The audit is finally over!!  Life has resumed back to normal at the Center for the most part.  Ms. Campbell said we did real good in the audit.  There was, however, one major problem.  Jennifer, the girl that works with LA at Xpress Lube, is in serious trouble.  We are to be inspection ready at all times (even our lockers, even when we’re at work).  Well, yesterday during the inspection, they went by Jennifer’s room (B building is open with cubicle-like dividers, not actual rooms) and they smelled a strong odor (like bad food or something).  The auditor lady ordered them to open the three lockers in that room.  When they opened Jennifer’s, stuff literally fell out on her.  Now, if it had been your average Center inspection, she would’ve gotten a DR and a lot of extra detail, but when you embarrass the Warden and Ms. Campbell like that?  Shoot.  The Warden ordered Ms. Campbell to send her back to prison.  She was served the DR last night, and we’ll see if she goes back. 

4.  Moo totally shocked me last night.  I know we had our rough moments, but we really are friends and I really do care for her.  I have started to realize all week how much fun we really have.  Yeah, she gets on my nerves, but we live 3 people to a 15x18 room, and we’ve been in that room together for 6 months, so we are going to get on each others nerves.  But we have the same sense of humor for the most part, and enjoy our banter.  Last night she was giving me my ‘black girl’ name, which is Iesha.  She told me that she thinks about me when she’s at work, wondering what crazy stuff I’m going to come home and tell her about the day and what went on.  She’s told me that before.  Then she stopped, looked at me and said, “I’m really going to miss you when you’re gone.”  It literally is the very first time that she’s even acknowledged that I’m leaving soon.  She’s never mentioned it – ever.  I think mostly because she’s still stuck there until February.  So that really touched me last night.  I guess maybe my leaving is harder on her than I realize.

5.  I was even more shocked this morning.  Today is our bathroom day (last one ever!!).  In the morning, technically the whole Center is supposed to clean (those that are in the building), so we don’t necessarily HAVE to clean it since we are getting ready for work (my roommates were already gone).  Well, this shift said our room had to clean it.  That meant me, and I already had my work clothes on and had to leave in 20 minutes.  Ingram, the resident I can’t STAND (big fat bully) came and demanded I clean the bathroom.  I knew the staff was checking the detail sheet, and that I’d get written up if I didn’t do something.  So I said, “Well, I’ll do what I can until I have to leave.”  She left for a second, came back and said, “Come on, Settlemoir, I’ll help you.”  I was in my work clothes, so I pulled the trash and started sweeping.  She came back with chemicals and started cleaning.  She said nicely, “Just finish sweeping and take the trash up front, and I’ll do the rest.”  I looked at her (did the blink, blink thing) astonished and said, “Are you sure?”  She said, “Yeah, I’ll do it since you’ve already got your work clothes on.”  You’ve got to understand this woman.  I can’t stand her.  She’s the one that hangs around with the nasty officers. And she’s the one that threatened to ‘tell on me’ and get me in trouble because she thought I wasn’t doing a detail awhile back.  It was a pleasant surprise.  I like it when people surprise me like that.

6.  Kay has a meeting with John, the Chief of Staff, Tuesday. She’s going to discuss me filling in and staying here.  Keep your fingers crossed.

7.  My cousin Jeff received the letter I wrote to my grandmother last night.  I had actually forgotten about it.  I guess we’ll see what the outcome is.

8.  I’ve had a fabulous day.  Gayle keeps me in such high spirits.  I actually leave work a little high.  And I’ve been listening to booty shaking music on top of it.  I’m ready to go to da club!!

11.  Tomorrow is Saturday.  I am sweating my pass just a tiny bit since Ms. Calvert is gone.   But I have faith I’ll be at home tomorrow.  

12.  I’ve come to love Friday nights.  I feel more relaxed, and I usually go walk at yard call, too.  I think because I know I’m going home the next day, and it’s also the end of another week.  One more Friday night after this.

13.  Here’s my weird count down:  days left in prison: 12, bathroom details left: 1, days of work left: 7, liver nights left: 0, episodes of Prison Break left: 2, passes home left: 2, Friday nights left: 2, Sgt. Channel rotations left: 1, days of seeing LT left: 9, boring and depressing Sundays left: 2, linen days left: 0, feminine cycles left: 0, breakfasts in the State Building left: 7, Creative Loafing reads left: 1